Blogger Interview Project

For the past couple of weeks, I have been involved in the Blogger Interview Project with Open Adoption Bloggers. I was paired with a birthmother who very generously shared her thoughts with me. You might stop by her blog sometime (Dear Sweetheart) to read more about her and provide support; she is a wonderful writer and I have been able to learn from her experiences. Below you will find my interview questions in italic; and her responses in white.

1. First, while I know you are experiencing grief, are you aware that you completed the impossible dream of a family? I am sure it doesn’t help much, but do try and see the joy which you made possible!

I do recognize this. Pregnancy was something I took for granted until I became pregnant. Seeing the difficulties that my sisters had during their pregnancies and the difficulties one sister in particular had in getting pregnant with her first child, I always thought that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant. Turns out that it wasn't difficult at all, and I say that with all the delicacy in the world. I knew that I was pregnant immediately and I avoided doing the pregnancy test for a while. I was scared to death of that little stick you pee on and the "+" sign that I knew it would show. I bought 4 pregnancy tests and I went through all of them and they were all positive. I can't explain that moment, the moment when my pregnancy was no longer in my head, but official because the "pee stick" said so. I wasn't the little girl who planned her wedding and dream man, I was the little girl who planned her family the home she would create for them... and, this was never how I saw myself creating a family. It wasn't until the beginning of my third trimester that I finally accepted the pregnancy. I know that sounds bonkers, but it's the truth. I kept telling myself, "You aren't pregnant. Your doctor is crazy. This isn't pregnancy... it's something unknown to the medical world. You are not pregnant." It's crazy, I know. When I was 7 months pregnant and finally accepted my pregnancy is when I started looking at families. I officially chose my babies family 3 weeks before I delivered. Once I started looking at families, it was important to me that I find a couple who had declared infertility because I wanted them to have a family. I know how important family has always been to me and I can't imagine how it must be to go through so much and still not have a child, so I placed with a couple that relies on adoption to create their family and they are amazing people and I love them so much. I am joyous knowing that I can have children, but I'm even more joyous that I was able to help someone else to have a child. That's the beauty of adoption, it takes a situation that is not the greatest on the surface, but the deeper you get in to it the more you begin to realize how many lives are going to be blessed from it.

2. What is the worst comment you have received regarding adoption? (Coupon lady at the hospital was very out of line!)

Honestly, coupon lady was the worst. The thing that made that situation even more frustrating for me was the fact that I was so drugged up on pain medicine that I couldn't respond to her. I was sitting there listening to her saying these things and panic filled my mind and words were flying through my head too fast to catch... I couldn't respond and so I just cried. I'm not one to bite my tongue. If I am offended by something someone says or does, I'm very good at expressing myself in a way that doesn't escalate anger, but that still expresses my opinions and feelings. In this situation, I couldn't defend myself and there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to make her cry, I wanted to make her feel my sorrow so that she would shut her mouth... and I wanted to educate her about adoption, but I couldn't hold on to my words long enough to do any of that. Outside of that incident, something that has always been hard for me stomach is when people say to me after they learned that I placed my child for adoption, "You are so brave." That doesn't seem like a horrible thing to hear. And I understand where they are coming from, but what they don't understand is that I'm not brave, I'm scared. That was the scariest moment I've ever had to face and I'm still trying to find my way out of the muck and I don't feel brave. When people tell me that I'm brave, I feel like a fraud. I've been good to explain this to people, that I don't feel brave and that it's all complicated and that I appreciate their vote of confidence. I don't get mean and nasty when people tell me this, but I do feel weaker and more easily overcome by the storm that is just under the surface of my skin. It sounds silly, but, I don't like it when people tell me that I'm brave because that is the last thing I feel.

3. Did the agency/social worker that you used for placement continue to provide you support and counseling after baby boy left the hospital? Do you still get calls from them today? Do you feel that this is important? If they did not, did they identify or make other support systems available?

The agency (LDS Family Services) that I went through does offer counseling throughout the entire process. The offer counseling during pregnancy and after placement. They also educate the birth mothers about the options that are out there, meaning placement or parenting. They have free groups for birth mothers to attend to talk about the process and for the birth mothers to openly discuss what their plan might be at that moment (parent or place) becuase it changes so often. The birth mother group is also a place for the girls to talk about their frustrations, fears, anxieties, family misunderstandings, birth daddies, etc. It's a place where we can discuss what's going on in our life, being in the situation we find ourselves in (unplanned pregnancy) and it's a safe environment with people who are going through similar things. It's also a place where girls who have already placed can answer questions about their experience for girl's who might be considering placing their child for adoption. Birth daddies are also welcome to come. The first hour is open discussion and the second hour is a planned lesson of sorts given by a Social Worker with the agency. It's all very educational and enlightening. I meet with my assigned social worker every other week and we discuss the adoption and my relationship with my babies parents and where I would like it to be one day. We talk about certain guys in my life and the process of building a healthy relationship. I'm blessed to have this resource available to me because, unfortunately (from what I understand), these services are not available in every state. I absolutley believe that post-placement counseling is important. It's such a messy situation being on this side of placement. There is even a post-placement birth mothers group for girls who have already placed. I can't imagine making it through this experience without the services that LDS Family Services offers to girls like myself. In fact, I'm certain that I wouldn't make it through this latest experience undamaged without the counseling I receive from placing my child for adoption.

4. Did you name baby boy? Did the adoptive parents keep the name? (We often think that if a child comes to us with a name, this is their name and we should embrace it)

I called Baby Boy, McKade, during my pregnancy. His parents kept that name as his middle name and I... I can't even describe how much that means to me.

5. You have a large family and many of them seem to be supportive of your adoption plan; does your family (mom, dad, siblings) wish to have continued contact with the adoptive parents and baby boy?

Openess in an adoption is a delicate thing to navigate through. If anything, this process has taught me something about my siblings and parents that I never understood before and that is that we all experience the same thing very differently. Whenever I get pictures from Baby Boy's parents, or updates, I share it with my family and I watch their reaction very closely. Sometimes, it hurts to watch their reaction because I know the thoughts that are going through their mind, they are thinking of their own children and trying to imagine what it would be like to place them in the care of someone else and it hurts them to try to imagine that... so, I'm learning how to approach everyone with news when I have it. My family knows that they are invited to Baby Boy's sealing to his family (religious ordinance) when that time comes. They also know that whether or not they choose to attend is their decision and I'm going to respect it. I knew that I would grieve through this process, but what I didn't realize is that my family would do the same. I didn't just place my first born son for adoption- my parent's placed their 19th grandchild for adoption, my siblings placed a beloved nephew, and my nieces and nephews will never play with their little cousin- so, in that respect I need to appreciate and understand and accept and respect how my siblings navigate through the grief that they are experiencing. We'll figure out the openess as it occurs. That's all I could ask for.

6. You mention that at time of placement, baby boy went into the arms of the social worker. Do you wish you would have placed the baby into the arms of the adoptive family directly? Would this have been too difficult? Would it have made you feel better?

This was the one thing I was absolutely sure of (besides the couple I placed with). I knew that I would be too emotional to place Baby Boy directly in their arms. I also know that I am territorial over those that I love and the knowledge of that scared me as to how I might act (or react for that matter) towards Baby Boy's parents. I was scared that I would say or do something that would be hurtful. That and I knew that I would be extremely hormonal and I don't trust myself when I'm like that. And, I didn't want them to see me broken, his parent's that is. Stating that last thing hurts me. I didn't want them to have to mask their joy for my sake. I didn't want them to be concerned for me. That, and that moment was completely sacred and personal to me. I only wanted it to be me and my baby for our final moments.

7. We are similar in that we both use the library; I am amazed that your library has a piano/keyboard (with headphones) for public use! What are your favorite things to play on the piano? Does your library also have sheet music for you to browse through?

The library used to have a huge sheet music section, but they've done away with it. I love to play New Age stuff. David Lanz, Enya, etc. I also like movie soundtrack scores. I also like to write my own music. It's all a great release for me and the best is that I can plug into the piano at the library so no one can hear my mistakes. All they see is me rocking out up and down the keyboard, but they don't know how bad I'm messing up. :)

8. Did it take you a long time to find/choose the adoptive parents of baby boy? Was there one certain thing about them that caught your eye (maybe music)? Were you aware/overwhelmed with the number of people out there looking to adopt?

There were so many things about Jessica and Matthew that were right. I found them through my uncle and his wife. I started blog-stalking them, casually, and then I started to email them. They talk a lot like me and that was the first thing that really caught my attention was their email responses were novels like mine. They have a deep love for music ranging anywhere from Celtic to 80's Hair Bands. They live for their children (they've adopted a total of 3) and their extended family is a huge part of their lives. Matthew makes up funny renditions of children stories to tell the kids at night and that was something my dad always did when I was growing up, stories like "Repulsive" (Repunzel) and so on. The more I got to know Jessica and Matthew, the more I knew it was supposed to be them. There were so many coincidences, that eventually those coincidences were no longer just that. I knew that Baby Boy was supposed to be with them. I was surprised with how many people were looking to adopt and I became overwhelmed with looking through a ton of profiles. What it all came down to was that I was anxiously anticipating Matt and Jessica's responses more than the other couples I was looking at. I got to the point where I wanted it to be Matt and Jessica and so I stayed with them and I am so glad I did. I love them so much. They were meant to be Baby Boy's parents.